


Ab epistulis

by appleapple



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon Era, First Time, M/M, Midwinter, Post-Canon, Presents, Sauna, after the war
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-10-01 17:55:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17248799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/appleapple/pseuds/appleapple
Summary: They left him gifts anyway.  They had been doing it for years.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So Happy Christmas and Merry New Year to you all, I have so many WIPs why not add one more, right?
> 
> Pfffffff :P
> 
> This one will be finished soon but I don't think I could have had it finished in time for the season, so have a part one if you so desire and part two should be finished soon. I have been working on finishing quite a few things but as usual my most precious resource is time.
> 
> I wish you all a happy & prosperous 2019!

He walked back through the streets enjoying the last of the afternoon. The sun was out, the sky nearly cloudless, but somehow a light snow was falling. It was a few days before mid-winter and he was done with work. He had dutifully seen the others off the day before, and he was free now to enjoy the holiday. 

Everyone knew he didn’t like a fuss, but they left him gifts anyway. They had been doing it for years. He knew what would be waiting for him outside his door: like a shrine, like he was a saint or a house god. It made him smile. Tea and pears and chocolate, a sweater, probably, knitted by someone’s mother; cake, jams and preserves, dried fruit and meat and nuts. He wouldn’t go hungry, anyway.

But when he finally came to the hallway there was something else beside the expected packages piled high in front of his door. A familiar figure suddenly stopped slouching and detached itself from the wall.

“Eren,” Levi said, shocked. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“I...I guess you didn’t get my letter,” he said after a moment.

Levi stared at him. Letter? _Letter?_ “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“I came to see…” Eren said. He cleared his throat and gave Levi a helpless little look. “That--I mean, I heard about the baby. I thought…”

“You thought you’d just _sneak back in for a visit? _” Levi said. “Are you _insane?_ ” __

__Eren’s shoulders hunched up a little--whether it was a shrug or a defensive movement he didn’t know._ _

__“Mikasa and Jean aren’t even here,” he said at last. He was still staring at Eren like he was some sort of apparition._ _

__“I know,” Eren admitted. “I--went to their house first. Where--”_ _

__“The Queen has a place out in the country,” Levi snapped. “They’re all out there. For mid-winter. And _you_ can’t go there.”_ _

__Eren shoved his hands deep into his coat pockets. It was oversized and it didn’t fit him properly, as if he’d recently acquired it secondhand. “Why aren’t you there?” he asked._ _

__Levi scowled at him. “Someone has to keep the home fires burning,” he said, a little sarcastically._ _

__“No one else is here. The building’s empty.”_ _

__Levi pushed past him, shoving the key in the lock. “Yeah, you’re lucky,” he said. “Now fuck off, Eren.”_ _

__“But--” Eren said._ _

__Levi slammed the door behind him, heedless of the parcels._ _

__

__

__

__Eren left after a while. Where he would go, well...that wasn’t Levi’s problem._ _

_He should have thought of that before,_ Levi thought crossly as he collected his gifts--scattered all over the hall now--and brought them inside. He had been looking forward to opening them. It had become a private pleasure he could enjoy. He had had plans for the holiday--books to read, cleaning to do, long ignored tasks to finally attend. He had been looking forward to it.

__Now Eren was here and any pleasure, any hope of peace he might have had was spoiled. He stared at the stacks of gifts balefully. He had lost any enthusiasm for opening them._ _

_He can’t stay here,_ Levi thought. But if someone else saw Eren, wandering around the city...recognized him…He sighed and went to get his coat.

__

__

__

__“Come on,” Levi said, disgruntled._ _

__Eren started--he’d been leaning against the side of the bridge, staring down into the water. He hadn’t heard Levi walk up, which was pathetic._ _

__Eren stared at him. “How did you find me?” he asked._ _

__“Don’t be an idiot,” Levi said. “Let’s go.” He turned on his heel._ _

__“Go--where?” Eren asked, hurrying after him._ _

__“I’ll buy you dinner,” Levi said grudgingly. “Then you go.”_ _

__“Where?”_ _

“Back where you came from,” Levi said, whirling on him. Eren started again and backed up hastily as Levi poked a menacing and accusatory finger at him. He bumped into the wooden railing, which squeaked in protest. “Back where you’re supposed to be right now. You can’t _be_ here. You know that!”

__Eren frowned, but Levi could see the old mulishness rearing and he braced for it. “I...came to see Mikasa, and the others.” He moved back a little further and glanced sideways at Levi. “The baby’s middle name--”_ _

__“I know what the baby’s middle name is!” Levi seethed._ _

__“So why aren’t you there with them? I thought--”_ _

__He turned and walked faster through the snow, not caring now if Eren was following. What was the point in reminding Eren of the terms of his exile? Eren was so cheerfully, stupidly, willfully oblivious…_ _

__They were near one of the larger pubs and he kept his knit cap on, pulled down. He had a heavy green scarf wrapped around his neck and he didn’t think it was likely they’d be recognized. Still, he pushed Eren down into a back table, out of the way before going up to the bar to order._ _

__“Gin,” he said, slapping money down on the counter. The barman ambled over and Levi drank the shot down. It burned with a pleasantly sweet, herbal tang. He didn’t drink much; as a rule it didn’t do anything for him. Right now he was tempted to call for the bottle. “What’s the special?”_ _

__“Pork pie.”_ _

__“Two of those. And a pot of tea.” He paid and went to go find Eren._ _

__He had stripped down--out of the ugly coat and his outdoor things, and was sitting there cool as anything as he looked around him in curious examination._ _

“What are you doing?” Levi said, aghast. He grabbed the coat and shoved it at Eren. “Put that on! And put your fucking hat back on!” Ugh! He still had that idiotic _bun_ for fuck’s sake! No one had hair like that! The sheer _brazenness_ of it!

__“But it’s warm in here--”_ _

__He balled his hand into a fist and Eren hurried back into the clothes, though not without a glare._ _

__“I don’t see why--” he said sullenly._ _

“Because if anybody _recognizes_ you, you could be _executed_. Remember? Or has living out there scrambled your brains? If you had any to begin with.”

__Eren was giving him a cold, cross look that was painfully familiar. Levi hadn’t seen him in two years but he remembered that look, oh yes indeed._ _

__“No one’s worrying about me anymore.”_ _

__“Is that what you think? Well, you’re wrong. It’s dangerous for you to be here, and after you eat you can just go right back.”_ _

__Eren was silent for a little while, noiselessly drumming his fingers on the table and staring out at a point somewhere beyond Levi’s left shoulder._ _

__“No,” he said. “I can’t.”_ _

__“Yes, you will--_ _

__“I haven’t seen anyone in years--”_ _

“Those were the _terms_ \--”

“And I _need_ to,” Eren finished, glaring at him. He slammed his fist down on the table for emphasis and a few curious people turned to look at them. Under the table Levi brought his foot down hard on Eren’s, and he visibly winced.

__“Yeah? Why’s that?” he asked challengingly._ _

__“Because I need to thank them,” Eren said._ _

__“What?”_ _

__“Armin and Mikasa,” he said. “For saving my life.”_ _

__The world narrowed to a single point; he stopped hearing the crowd and laughter behind him, stopped feeling the heat of the room, the warm lantern-lit glow of the pub. He stared at Eren’s face. “Really,” he heard himself say. “They saved your life. That’s quite a feat, considering you haven’t seen them in two years.”_ _

__Eren glared at him. “That’s what I’m talking about,” he said. “I was angry, at first. I understand now. They fought for me. At the time, I thought it was a punishment. It took me a long time to realize what happened. I’m here now. I need to thank them, for saving me. For standing up for me when no one else did.” He gave Levi a needling glance. “I…” Then he swallowed and looked away. “I did hope...you would have changed. But I guess you still hate me.” He looked back at Levi then. His face, his voice, his posture were all defiant._ _

__Levi got up silently and walked away. At least he had already settled the bill._ _

__He heard Eren calling after him but he didn’t look back._ _

__

__

__

__The snow was falling a little harder now, pretty fat flakes catching the light from the street lamps._ _

__“Levi!”_ _

__The sun hadn’t quite set when they’d gone in but it was fully dark now, and there was a thin coating of snow on the ground. Not many people out._ _

__He walked swiftly, heading for the main bridge that crossed the river where he had found Eren only a little while ago. Eren had stopped yelling, and was just chasing after him now. He kept grimly on._ _

“Will you _wait_ a minute?” Eren complained. “Why did you--why did you run out--”

“Whatever the fuck, Eren,” he snapped without looking back. “You’ve got it all figured out, why don’t you tell _me?_ ” They’d reached the bridge. Ten minutes and he’d be home, then he could slam the door in Eren’s face and not give another moment’s thought to whether the Queen’s Guard would catch him tonight.

Eren grabbed his shoulder and Levi snarled and pushed him back, slamming him against the wood railing. All the breath went out of him-- _“oof!”_ Eren said, slumping around his fist and Levi stepped back, letting go. He turned his face away into the cold night air, trying to let it cool his anger. 

_You can’t do that,_ he told himself, with as much calm as he could muster. _He’s human now, and he’s not even a soldier anymore. You could hurt him..._

__“Who told you they did that?”_ _

__“What?” Eren said. He was still doubled over, trying to catch his breath. “No one told me! I...figured it out.” He swallowed, a muscle in his jaw working. “I know Hanji wanted to kill me--”_ _

__“It wasn’t like that. You were a threat to the peace process. And the monarchy. Remember your fucking supporters? The ones who killed Zackly? The ones who kidnapped Hanji? The ones who wanted to overthrow the Queen and install you as their ruler?”_ _

__“I know--”_ _

“No you don’t, you weren’t there,” Levi said impatiently. “I was. No one spoke for you, Eren.” The memory overwhelmed him. _All of them in the conference room, Hanji saying reluctantly that...that Eren was too dangerous to be left alive. He had seen Mikasa and Armin’s faces, sorrowful but somehow accepting. In the end even they hadn’t been able to defend him any longer._

__

__

__

__

“No one spoke for you,” he repeated hollowly. “Except me. I was the only one.” It had been terrifying to realize it depended on him. He wasn’t eloquent. He didn’t have a gift for speeches. He’d had to be persuasive, but more than that he had to be _convincing._ That he wasn’t speaking from sentiment, but because it was the right, the only thing to do.

__Eren was leaning back against the railing. His shoulders were shaking, and it took Levi a moment to realize he was laughing. He stared._ _

__“You,” Eren gasped, “liar!”_ _

He punched Eren in the face, and Eren gasped, head thrown back. Levi hit him again. _He’s out of practice. Badly out of practice. Should have dodged that._

__Eren was hunched over, curled into himself. Levi hung back, clenching and unclenching his fist. Then suddenly Eren lurched to his feet and lunged, losing his footing on the snow-coated cobblestones. He tried to slam into Levi, all force and no finesse, and Levi had a split second to decide whether to step aside or take the hit. He heard a carriage coming up behind them and almost sighed, the decision made. He let Eren knock him down, then he locked one of his legs between his and rolled them harmlessly out of the way as the carriage driver shouted at them. Eren was deaf to the danger, he swung wildly at Levi and Levi pushed him off and was back on his feet in a moment. Eren staggered after him. Levi dodged another punch._ _

__Curiously the fighting had calmed him a little. This was familiar, easy even. He dodged and ducked and moved back across the bridge, and then giving a shout of rage and frustration Eren rushed him. He put his head down to butt Levi’s chest, knocking him back. His own boots slipped, and they made contact again with the railing. As Eren pushed him back with the force of his whole body he felt something give way. His eyes widened and then he was staring up at Eren's shocked face, and falling._ _

__

__

__

_Three hours,_ he thought. _He’s not even back three hours and we’re already doing this again._ The current was strong and he gasped as he tried to keep his head above the water. He had been taking swimming lessons--Hanji had insisted--but he had not progressed much beyond the basics. And swimming in a tranquil pond in summer had not a lot in common with drowning in a river in the dead of winter. He tried to get the coat off but the buttons seemed too large for the buttonholes, or else his fingers were too clumsy. He fumbled at them before giving up and trying to just rip them off, but somehow he couldn’t get purchase. And when he tried to use his arms he had to stop paddling, and he’d start to sink.

__He gasped._ _

__Someone grabbed the back of his coat and started pulling. He turned his head, paddling to keep up against the current._ _

__“Can you swim like this?”_ _

__“I can touch bottom.”_ _

__“Oh you can not you asshole.”_ _

Eren flashed him a stupid grin which he saw even in the dark. A few more minutes of hard paddling and then _he_ could finally touch bottom. They climbed out, collapsing onto the muddy bank. Levi coughed, wishing he could get the wretched filthy taste of the water out of his mouth.

__“It’s cold.”_ _

__“No shit.”_ _

“We can’t just stay here. Where are we?” Eren craned his head to look, but there was nothing near them, just trees and the muddy bank of the river. “I guess…” Eren said. He trailed off and got to his feet, then he hauled Levi up. He was surprised when Eren pulled him up without trouble. Eren was looking around, still vainly searching for a recognizable landmark. It was...he had fought badly on the bridge, but in the brief brusque contact just now Levi had felt an unexpected strength in him.

__“Come on,” Eren said. “The road’s gotta be this way, right?”_ _

__Eren chattered inanely as they walked, wondering aloud if they would find a carriage coming along the road, or maybe a house._ _

__“I guess we’re out of the city,” he said after a little while. There was nothing but darkness and trees on the road. Levi was too busy shivering to answer him._ _

__“How long was I in for?”_ _

__“You don’t know?” Eren said._ _

__“No.”_ _

__“I--I don’t know, a while. Maybe twenty minutes.”_ _

__“That long?” No wonder he was so fucking cold._ _

__“I tried to get to you sooner,” Eren said, sounding guilty and defensive. “It was hard to find you in the dark. And--you kept going under.”_ _

__“Well,” Levi said. “Sorry my swimming skills aren’t on par with yours.”_ _

__“That’s not what I--that’s a light, look,” Eren started walking faster, dragging Levi along with him. “It’s an inn!”_ _

__“Saved. Hooray,” Levi said, and Eren grinned at him._ _

__The taproom was crowded and they got a lot of curious looks and hollers from the drunks. Levi ignored them, counting out money for the innkeeper from a wet leather bag, while Eren blithely made up a story to explain their sorry condition._ _

There was a sauna _(praise Maria)_ and though the fire was low the innkeeper assured them it would build up quickly. He left them alone in the outer room, and Levi sat down on the bench to struggle with his clothing. His fingers were still stiff and frozen, and he had gotten two of the buttons undone when Eren came to kneel before him. He was naked except for the towel wrapped around him, and Levi could see the bumps of gooseflesh on his chilled skin.

__“Your hair looks terrible,” Levi told him._ _

__“Thanks,” he said drily, and he started undoing Levi’s boots._ _

__“Just like old times,” Levi said as he pulled off the first one._ _

__“I don’t think--”_ _

__“It was a joke, Eren.”_ _

__“Oh.”_ _

__They didn’t say anything else. Levi finished undressing by himself, while Eren kept his back respectfully turned. Then they went in. There was a lantern inside, and Eren poured a ladleful of water on the hot stones where it hissed and spit. Levi sat on the bench, spreading his towel underneath him. Neither of them spoke, but it was in that way that Levi had known with only a few other people in his life._ _

_A heavy silence._ Didn’t they call it that? He could tell Eren wanted to speak, and Eren had to know _he_ wanted to. Neither of them did. Eren came to pour another cup of water on the stones but instead of going back to his seat on the opposite bench he turned and knelt in front of Levi. A cloud of steam had risen up and it filled the small room.

__“Get the fuck away from me.” That was what he ought to have said. Instead he was quiet. He couldn’t look away from Eren’s eyes, dark in the dim shifting light of the lantern. Eren was staring at him intently, as if trying to find some answer there. It was idiotic. At last Eren raised a hand and rested it on his upper arm. His fingers had grown warm._ _

__Then he leaned in and kissed Levi on the mouth. He had to say no. He had to stop this._ _

__Instead his traitorous mouth opened wide, and when Eren nudged at him he spread his legs and leaned back like some idiot trainee the first time someone stuck a hand down his pants. His body against Levi’s was hot, and Levi soaked him in, losing the last of his chill. When Eren closed the distance between them he didn’t protest. Eren was strong. He found himself reconsidering again the fight on the bridge. It felt like an acre of Eren’s smooth skin against him, and it had been so long since he had experienced anything like this..._ _

__He felt like some animal stunned by a predator and about to be devoured. He couldn’t have resisted now, anymore than that doomed mouse staring into the eyes of a snake. And he remembered the way Eren had stared at him, as if searching for one answer in particular. Eren pulled Levi’s leg up around his waist._ _

_Bastard,_ Levi thought, and let him. God, it all felt so _good_ , how the fuck was he supposed to resist Eren when he felt like this. Just acres of creamy skin pressed against him, and Eren so hard underneath, not lazy and undisciplined like he’d thought but hard as if he still trained every day. Eren kept his mouth on Levi’s firm and lush, he licked at Levi’s lips and ran his tongue along the inside of his bottom lip. Levi put his arms up, around Eren’s neck and his shoulders and he hung on. Running his hands over the muscles there, rubbing his thumb over the ridge of his shoulder blade. Eren sighed into his mouth, like it felt good, and Levi kept doing it.

__Eren had his right hand on Levi’s thigh, rubbing slow. His other hand was lower on Levi’s flank, cupping the curve of his ass._ _

Eren had been so fucking weird and offhand all day that even if he had expected a come-on it wouldn’t have been like _this._ Maybe that was the problem. An offer of quick rough sex would have repulsed him. This was...something else. Eren was kissing him like it was the only thing, his hands on him were tender. 

__Whether it was genuine or just a fucking masterclass in manipulation he didn’t know. But it was working. He loved the way Eren felt against him, the way Eren kissed him like he was drinking him in._ _

__And the strangest thing was that Eren still had a towel wrapped around his waist. Levi hadn’t bothered with that himself, and he felt like Eren’s prudishness--if that’s what it was--had drawn rather more attention to the issue than otherwise._ _

__And prudishness--if it was that--also kept him from grinding his hips against Levi’s, kept him a respectful few inches from Levi all the time, even as he held Levi’s thigh to his waist and fondled his ass. Eren could just peer down and look at him if he wanted--his cock was thick and hard and fully erect, rubbing up against his belly. But he couldn’t see Eren at all, couldn’t feel him. Didn’t know how big he was, or…_ _

__He pulled his head away mid-kiss, and Eren let out a shaky breath that was nearly a sob and released him, almost finger by finger. He kept his eyes closed, as if waiting for a sentence of death._ _

Not even _Eren_ could be that manipulative. _Could he?_ That little gesture of--of--whatever you wanted to call it, it had to be real because it had melted him, thawed the very last of his reserve against whatever siege Eren was laying. He bowed his head because he was lost and he knew it, he knew it for all time even if Eren didn’t yet know he’d won. He was almost nauseated with the force of trying to keep himself together, trying to reconcile what his head and what his heart were telling him, and--

 _Years, it took me fucking years to get_ here _and_...

“This isn’t comfortable,” he said and it came out almost a whisper. It wasn’t what he had been planning to say but it was the only thing he could think of that he _could_ say that was true; the top of the step above him was digging into his back, and his leg was starting to fall asleep.

__Instantly Eren’s arms were around him, picking him up almost and laying him across the very top step, which was wider. Then covering him with his own body._ _

__His kisses were frantic now and Levi liked them less, but he thought he knew what they were--a stand in for all the things Eren wanted to say, all the things that couldn’t break through the silence. Still he kept his body a little apart from Levi’s, holding himself in an awkward position that couldn’t have been comfortable._ _

__And Levi turned his head away and made himself say, “Talk,” and it was one of the hardest things he’d ever done._ _

__Eren swallowed, and he seemed almost to brace himself, and Levi tensed up in response, as if this were only the other half of the fight on the bridge._ _

__Then Eren pressed into him, kissed the side of his face and said in a low, dark voice, “I want to be inside of you--I want it so bad--”_ _

He felt like Eren had struck him. He was stunned for a moment. _Is that what you wanted?_ It hurt, so much more than he had been prepared for. _Well you were a fool to think that he might say anything else, that he might want you for anything else._ When he could finally speak he was amazed that his own voice sounded as calm as it did.

__“What, here? You’re fucking crazy. No.”_ _

__“I have something…”_ _

__Levi looked at him. “What? Who the fuck just carries around--”_ _

__“It’s not like that, it’s just oil--”_ _

“Oh, god, it’s for your stupid _hair_ , isn’t it?”

__Eren gave him such a guilty look that he knew he was right, and it was so funny that it dislodged a little of his hurt. He couldn’t help it._ _

“Oh, and if you’ve had it with you then it fell in the _dirty river_ \--”

__“It’s fine, it’s sealed, it’s--”_ _

__“You checked?” he said incredulously._ _

__“You know what, just forget the whole thing,” Eren said miserably, and he got off him and bumped down two steps and just sat there, looking dejected, or else doing a very good impression of it._ _

Levi craned his head to look. He felt cautiously as though he might just have gained the upper hand. Not that he knew what to do with it. Eren looked like he might even be blushing. You couldn’t fake _that_ could you?

__“Anyway,” he said after a moment. “I don’t want your dirty cock in me. I don’t need to catch whatever diseases they have out in--”_ _

__He had wondered if Eren would turn to glare at him, or maybe take a swing; he could have dealt with either._ _

__Instead Eren just snorted, and that was...something. He swallowed, a little more of the pain evaporating. More of their old rapport surviving than he might have guessed, maybe..._ _

__“I haven’t been with anybody,” he said, low. “Not like that.”_ _

__He didn’t know how to dissect that. He wasn’t going to try. “What do you do with all your free time then?” he asked, trying to make a joke instead._ _

__Eren turned his head enough to look at him. It was hard to see in the dim light--and he suddenly shivered, they needed to put more fuel on the fire--his face was curiously inscrutable. But if he didn’t know better he would have said Eren almost looked wounded. He didn’t answer Levi this time. The silence stretched out between them._ _

__It felt odd to be the one to decide what would happen next._ _

__Levi sat up, and then he moved down the two steps and he straddled Eren’s lap, tugging the towel away and putting it aside. Eren’s breathing went wild right away, he stared down in between them as if he was too afraid to move. Levi put his hand down between them--letting Eren see--and covered the root of Eren’s cock with it. He closed his fingers around him, and then he stroked up, long and luxurious, and Eren moaned so loud he could feel the vibration of it in his chest._ _

_Fuck,_ he thought, eyes closed, _fuck_ , his own cock had twitched in angry, sympathetic response; nobody had touched _him_ yet.

__“Levi,” Eren moaned into his ear, “Levi, Levi, please, I’m sorry, we can do anything you want, please--”_ _

“Touch me,” he hissed, and Eren moved so quickly it was like he’d been burned. His hand on Levi’s cock now, mirror of his own, and he half-closed his eyes in ecstasy. Velvety feel of skin, _any_ skin against him, and calluses that Eren had never had before. His mouth parted, the sweet perfection of it…

__“You can do me--” Eren said suddenly, as if the idea had just occurred to him. “I don’t care, we can--”_ _

__“We’re not gonna make it that far,” Levi said, “But get the fucking oil.”_ _

__

__

__

__

__Around four in the morning, after the bar finally closed down the innkeeper came and knocked on the door of the sauna._ _

__“Gents?” he called out. “Everything all right?”_ _

__“Yes,” a voice called out immediately. Eren opened the door, towel decently wrapped around his waist. “Sorry,” he said, a hair short of breathless. “We fell asleep.”_ _

__“No worries,” the man said politely. “Your room’s all ready.”_ _

__“Yes. Thank you.”_ _

__Eren shot a look back at Levi, taking the armful of borrowed clothes the man handed him. They dressed in silence and walked back._ _

__

__

__

__They had gone three rounds without any trouble. As soon as Levi had told him to go he’d shot out of the room, grabbing the little bottle out of the pocket of his wet coat and nearly dropping it. He’d gotten the cap off and his hands had shaken only a little. Levi had taken the bottle and tipped it over both of them, the oil slick, slippery as syrup. Eren had groaned, hands tight on Levi’s shoulders. Levi had taken hold of them both, hard flesh pressed together. Eren gasped, and he closed his eyes against it, silky sweetness of Eren's cock flush to his. He ran his hands up and down, gliding from the oil, the catch of each of his callouses a rough little edge to the pleasure._ _

__“Yeah,” Eren muttered against his neck, “yeah, yes, yes.”_ _

__Levi didn’t say anything, but his breath was short and shallow_ _

__He could feel that heavy silence again, like Eren wanted to say more, like he was limiting himself to these inane affirmations that were sexier than they had any right to be. Every little breathless, “yes,” whispered in his ear gave his cock a painful throb of pleasure. He squeezed their cocks tightly, rubbing up and down with both of his hands, and that just made Eren moan harder. Trapping them in an endless exquisite cycle of pleasure._ _

The truth was Levi _wanted_ to talk. He would have given almost anything to be able to, to reveal even a little of the secrets of his heart. This thing between them was fragile. He had made his one hopeless, clumsy attempt to elicit intimacy and it had fallen flat.

__He was learning things about Eren anyway that he hadn’t expected, the desperate way he liked being touched, the way he became less and less self-conscious as he grew close to orgasm. He arched his back, his head up, crying out in pleasure. It was making him so hard, watching Eren, hearing him; he felt dizzily certain that he could have gotten off just from that if it went on long enough._ _

__Eren surprised him when he finally gasped and grabbed Levi around the waist, hauling him back to the top step of the sauna. He’d almost believed he was forgotten, Eren so lost in his own pleasure. He lay Levi back down with surprising tenderness and then pressed his weight down, grinding into him, and Levi sort of lost it._ _

__“Ohhh…” he said, the syllable long and drawn out, his eyes screwed up in ecstasy, “yeah…” He couldn’t help himself. His hips jerked involuntarily and Eren’s hands were there, on both of them, but especially on Levi. Slippery still, rubbing him up and down, almost lovingly._ _

__“Like that?” Eren murmured, and his cock twitched._ _

_What, what the fuck…_

__“Yes,” Levi said._ _

__“You want me to bring you off like this?” Eren whispered and, getting an affirmative moan, “are you sure? I could be inside you, fucking you--”_ _

_“Eren! Damn it!”_ God, he was so close, the intensity of physical pleasure like nothing he’d ever felt. It burned through him. Every stroke of Eren’s hands on him was pure bliss, each enough on its own to bring him off if he just _let it,_ but he was holding out, instinctually, greedily for the promise of more.

__“Or you could do me,” Eren said, low and sweet, “just tell me. I’d let you. I’d be so tight, around your cock…”_ _

He came about a gallon, orgasm stretching out forever as he pulsed into Eren’s hand. He had tightened his long slim fingers around him automatically, stroking him through it. It was so _good,_ so extraordinarily good-- 

__“You--” belatedly he realized Eren hadn’t come, and he looked down._ _

But Eren had gone soft, and he realized a moment later that Eren _had,_ at some point.

__He looked up at Eren’s face, and Eren said, “I came already. Watching you.”_ _

__“For god’s sake,” Levi muttered, throwing one arm over his eyes. He was unsure who it was directed at; his cock had twitched again hearing those words, like it hadn’t just given the performance of a lifetime. He thought longingly about every filthy thing Eren had just said, every promise…_ _

His body wanted all of it, and he tried to dredge up enough non-existent willpower to say _“No.”_ , to fight against the tide of lust. It had taken him years to get back enough of himself just to _survive_. There would be nothing _left_ this time if he let Eren do what he wanted.

__“No,” he said and it came out much softer and more vulnerable than he had intended. Eren’s eyes went wide in the darkness. “Not...yet.” He hated himself for admitting to so much. “Not tonight. Don’t ask me again. Please.”_ _

__Eren inhaled sharply, hearing every thing that Levi hadn’t said. “Okay,” he said._ _

__They had managed to go two more times before falling asleep on the top step of the sauna, Eren on his back and Levi lying half on top of him. That last time Eren had put his mouth on him._ _

He could tell right away it wasn’t something Eren was practiced at. But he was so _eager._ Levi found himself wishing his hair was shorter, remembering a time when it had been. He stroked his ears and neck and shoulders instead.

__It had taken longer--and if that was because his mouth had been too busy to talk him through another orgasm then Levi didn’t want to think about it--but when he’d come at last it had been deliciously good. Eren sucking him, his warm wet mouth all around him._ _

__When Levi had finally opened his eyes he’d seen Eren had already come. He tried to pretend that wasn’t gratifying, Eren so obviously hot for him that he couldn’t wait, that getting Levi off was all he needed._ _

__He tried._ _

__And the fact that Eren had stayed true to his word, that he hadn’t asked for anything more (anything that Levi wouldn’t have been able to refuse him any longer) had felt oddly chivalrous. He’d been almost content when he’d fallen asleep against Eren’s side._ _

__When the knock came it felt like he’d only closed his eyes moments ago. He’d sat up, and Eren had given him a slightly shame-faced look before grabbing his towel and going to the door. They’d dressed and walked back in silence, and in the bedroom after the innkeeper left them Eren finally spoken._ _

__Too casually he said, “Maybe I could stay.”_ _

__Levi looked at him. “What?”_ _

__Eren just looked back at him._ _

__“You can’t stay here,” Levi said. “You’ll be killed if you do. You know that. You know that.”_ _

__Eren swallowed. “Hanji--”_ _

__Levi snorted. “Hanji will never let you stay.”_ _

Eren looked down, staring at the floor as if he was disappointed. As if he had really thought she _might_. Levi looked at him, incredulous.

__“You could,” Eren said quietly. He cleared his throat. “You--maybe you could come with me then.”_ _

__Levi snorted. “You made your choices Eren. My life is here.” There were two beds and he climbed into the one by the window. After a moment he heard Eren moving around, getting into his own bed._ _

__What he was thinking was that it would be no time at all before Eren lost interest in him again. He hadn’t given him anything beyond the promise of a quick fuck. He wasn’t going to betray his people, lose everything he had built, make himself an enemy of Paradis for that._ _

__

__

__

__The next day Levi paid to borrow a pair of horses and they rode back to the city together in silence. There were enough people traveling on the roads that he hoped they’d pass unnoticed. Eren still refused to cut his hair but Levi thought he looked less like himself in the borrowed clothes._ _

__He didn’t feel like himself at all. He was terribly worried about anyone discovering Eren’s identity. About...what he might have to do if that happened._ _

__But for once it seemed luck was on his side. They made it back to the flat a few hours later, and he breathed out in relief as Eren peered around and looked curiously at the pile of gifts he’d discarded. He started to make tea without being asked, and Levi said, “I’ll be back in a minute.”_ _

__Eren just nodded. They hadn’t talked much on the way here. The question of what Eren would do--in each of their minds--was still unresolved._ _

__There was a shop across the street where he could buy bread--it had been hours since the cup of porridge at the inn that morning--and he went outside the flat into the hallway, wondering if he ought to lock the door or not. He still hadn’t made up his mind when he heard footsteps on the stairs, and he closed his eyes painfully._ _

__This was a military building; his and Hanji’s rooms and a few others were here along with some administrative offices. Everyone was gone for the long holiday break. The outside door to the building was kept locked since there were private residences here. Heavy-hearted he walked to the end of the corridor, to meet whoever it was._ _

__“Hanji,” he said._ _

__“Levi,” she said. She smiled at him. “I came--”_ _

__“Eren’s here,” he said, as neutrally as he could. He didn’t lie, generally, though this time he might have been tempted to make an exception. But if he did that, and Hanji found out later…_ _

__She looked startled. “What?”_ _

__“He came last night. He--”_ _

__She frowned. “You didn’t let me know at once?”_ _

__He thought exhaustedly of the uneaten meal, the fight on the bridge, the plunge into the icy water. Everything that had come after. He couldn’t explain it to her now, like this._ _

__“No,” he said after a pause. “I was trying to get rid of him. To convince him to leave. He wanted to see Mikasa’s baby. Somehow he found about him. They weren’t at home, so he came looking for me. It was late...too late to do anything about it. I’m sorry, Hanji, but he really means no harm.” He wanted to say more, to beg for Eren’s life but he knew better._ _

_Hanji, please, please just let him go. Don’t make me…_

Belatedly he realized he had already made his choice. In spite of what he had told Eren he _would_ be throwing everything away if they tried to kill him.

__Hanji looked troubled and she was quiet. It didn’t seem like a good sign. After a moment, trying to pretend as if his whole life, the lives of everyone he still loved didn’t hang in the balance he said softly,_ _

__“Hanji. It hasn’t been easy for me having him here.”_ _

__She looked at him sharply, and he made himself continue, “He said there was a letter, I don’t know. Maybe he really did write and ask to come see--”_ _

__“There was a letter,” she said, an expression he couldn’t decipher on her face._ _

__He could only stare at her. “What?”_ _

__“I--” she gave him an anguished look and he stared back at her in utter amazement._ _

__“You intercepted my mail?” he said dumbfounded. “Am I an enemy of the state now?”_ _

“Lev, it isn’t like that at all--I...had to read it, but he just said--he spoke generally, of hoping he could visit, I didn’t realize he meant _now, imminently_ there was nothing to suggest--Levi!”

__He had turned and walked away from her._ _

__“Levi, I didn’t know how hard this has been on you--we can--”_ _

__He opened the door to his flat, still unlocked, and closed it quietly behind him._ _

__“Hey,” Eren said looking up. “That was quick. The water’s not boiling yet.”_ _

__“Hanji’s here.”_ _

__Eren looked a little worried. “What? Uh--do you want me to hide--”_ _

__“No. I told her you were here.”_ _

__“Oh,” Eren said, wide-eyed. “I should--” he swallowed and looked at the door. “I should--I guess I should talk to her then.” He kept his eyes on Levi, as if looking for confirmation. He hesitated a moment at the door. But Levi didn’t say anything, didn’t move._ _

__He was gone a few minutes. The water boiled, and Levi put the tea leaves in, automatically._ _

__Eren came back. He looked almost ready to burst with excitement. Levi had set his watch down on the table. The tea needed longer to steep._ _

__“She says it’s all right,” Eren said in a rush of joy, “she’ll take me to see them--Mikasa and Armin and everybody--I--”_ _

__“You can’t be near the queen,” Levi said, staring at the pot._ _

__“Well, no,” Eren said, deflating slightly. “No, obviously. I mean she said that. But there’s a house nearby, and I can--”_ _

__“That’s all right then.”_ _

Eren frowned. _“We_ can go. She said--she said she was coming back, to ask you again if you wanted to anyway--”

__“No.”_ _

__“Huh?”_ _

__“I don’t go there. I never have.”_ _

__“But--” He frowned._ _

__“You were communicating with Hanji? All this time?”_ _

__“Well,” Eren said, “yeah. I mean--I started writing to her…”_ _

__“So you thought she might let you stay after all. You weren’t coming on a hope and a prayer.”_ _

__Eren looked uneasy, as if he had been caught out. “Not explicitly. No. I thought--better to beg forgiveness than ask permission. And after Mikasa told me about the baby--”_ _

__“Mikasa told you that,” he said evenly. “She wrote to you herself.”_ _

__“Well, yeah,” Eren said defensively. “Why shouldn’t she?”_ _

__“Have a nice visit, then,” Levi said, and Eren gave him a hurt, astonished look at the obvious dismissal._ _

__“You’re not coming?” he tried one last time._ _

__“No.”_ _

__Eren frowned. Then he turned and left, closing the door behind him. Levi finally sat down and leaned back._ _

He saw them all almost daily: Hanji, he even took most of his meals with her. But everybody else--Mikasa, Jean, Armin, Connie, the others--he saw them all almost every day. No one had mentioned Eren to him in all this time. He’d always felt sure they had to discuss him among themselves--at least sometimes. But no one had mentioned Eren to _him._

__He supposed he could have talked about it to Hanji. But he never had. He had not told her what it had cost him to give Eren up. What he would have done if they had insisted on executing him._ _

To know now that the silence had been a conspiracy, that he had been the only one left out--because if Hanji had been communicating with Eren all this time--if she had intercepted _his_ letter she had intercepted others. But she had decided to allow them to speak to him.

She had to have made their silence to _him_ conditional on that. She had to have told them not to mention Eren to him. There was no way it could have been so complete otherwise. No one of them had slipped up, not for a moment.

__All this time...all this time he’d been grieving, alone, and the others had been able to talk almost freely...even to hope for Eren’s return some day._ _

He didn’t even need to ask why. He knew. He’d told Eren. _I was the only one who spoke for you._ He thought he had convinced them. He hadn’t known he had revealed some secret part of himself to her. That she had so mistrusted it that she’d drawn a veil of secrecy over him, him and no one else.

__He had given everything he had to them, and he had kept fighting long after he had wanted to lay down, overcome by the pain of what he’d lost._ _

__And now he felt only...angry._ _

__

__

__

__There was the sound of church bells and he looked up in surprise. It had been noon when he’d gotten back with Eren. Now it was six. He had been sitting here for hours, senseless of the passing of time._ _

__He got up and went to the teapot, but it was oversteeped and cold now. He threw it away._ _

__He looked over at the pile of gifts. But instead of reaching among them for more tea he picked up one of the carefully wrapped packages and turned it over, put it down._ _

__Everything he had thought yesterday was a kindness, now...it seemed hollow and empty, as if his loyalty, his fidelity could be bought for cheap. He had always hated the way they tried to insist he come with them for holidays. As if he could just stand there, with nothing, watching them enjoy each other. Their relationships. Their families. He was obedient almost to a fault but that he had flatly refused._ _

__To survive he had had to close up parts of himself, like more and more rooms in an empty house. They wanted him to be an instrument of death, to put away his affections and desires when it was inconvenient, and he could do that. But he couldn’t do it and then go play pretend at happy families in the countryside when they wanted him to._ _

__He took the sheet from his bed and laid it out on the floor._ _

No wonder Eren had been so casual about everything, no wonder Levi’s mentions of Hanji had puzzled and worried him. He must have been wondering what Levi knew that _he_ in all his secret letters to Hanji didn’t. He had been sure of his welcome, even if he had planned to surprise them with it.

__He picked up the packages (still unopened) and began to toss them into the center of the sheet, feeling a vicious sort of pleasure in the act. When that was done he looked around, and then he folded up his blanket and put that on top, then the silk quilt Historia had made him._ _

__He wouldn’t come cheap anymore._ _

__

__

__

__There were still plenty of poor vagrants and dispossessed if you knew where to look, and Levi did. In half an hour he had gotten rid of everything but the sheet and broom handle he’d used to make the bindle. He left a lot of people happy and laughing in his wake, eating the chocolates and drinking the liquor, wearing the sweaters and slicing open the sausages and cheese._ _

__He had thought of it as an act of tame defiance but back in his room, looking around at his remaining possessions he realized it was not._ _

__It was a curious feeling. All his red hot anger had gone, and instead there was something else. He almost felt as if he were floating, outside of his body._ _

__Again he spread the sheet in the middle of the room, but this time he took everything he could. His pillows and his spare blanket, paintings from the walls, his mending kit in the fine leather case Jean had given him last year, unopened food from his pantry, books, warm winter clothes. Everything he could carry._ _

__There was still too much left. Then a thought occurred to him and he smiled._ _

__

__

__

__“Sure, guv?” the rag man said uneasily._ _

__“Yes,” Levi said, arms crossed. He was leaning back against the wall. “How much for all of it?”_ _

__“Well,” the man said. He named a sum._ _

__“Done,” Levi said, and they shook on it, but the rag man looked unhappy still, as if he wished Levi would have bargained._ _

__“You want I should be quiet like,” he asked as he counted out the money in a grubby hand before handing it over._ _

__There was a veiled threat in there, a hint that he might talk if he wasn’t paid. Levi widened his eyes dramatically. “Why, do you think something would happen to you if you did?” he asked, purposefully misunderstanding._ _

__The rag man looked unhappier still, and he called for the boys he’d brought along--they had been loitering in the hallway--to come and help. They made quick work of the place, which didn’t surprise him. He had chosen this particular rascal because of his reputation as a competent burglar. He saw them out of the building--bolting the door after them--and went back to his rooms._ _

__They were empty now, and that was oddly satisfying. The bed and the desk were left, the wardrobe, the pieces of furniture that belonged to the military. He hadn’t given away his uniform either, or his weapons, which were military property. He wasn’t a thief. Well, he hadn’t been for a long time anyway._ _

__He walked into the center of the room, listening to the echo of his boots on the wood floor. He had kept those (his spare, the others he’d left back at the inn, beyond saving), and a few items of clothing. His personal weapons. His knives. Everything else he’d given away, or sold. He took a deep clean breath and let it out. Then he lay down on the bare mattress, his old cloak wrapped around him, to wait for sleep._ _

__

__

__

__In the morning he took his time getting ready, trimming his hair, bathing, dressing carefully in the clothes he’d chosen to keep. It was still early and he took the time to walk to a cafe, which was something he rarely did. He’d given his kettle and all his food away though, and it would be a little while before the bank opened._ _

__He found a place near the bank and took his time, drinking a leisurely pot of tea and eating a few sweet rolls. At half past ten he walked into the bank and withdrew a third of his account. He had given away the money he’d gotten from the rag man on the walk here._ _

__He had thought about taking all his money out, or even half, but had decided against it. It would have been dramatic, would have attracted notice. Word might get back to Hanji or someone else before he was ready. But a third, while still a large sum (there hadn’t been much to spend his money on all these years, especially these last few as the country’s wealth had grown) wasn’t enough to attract any special attention. If he was lucky they wouldn’t even remember his visit._ _

__He left the bank and stood for a moment at the top of the marble stairs. All the snow from yesterday had melted. Only a little lay in the shadow of the plinth, and that would be gone by mid-morning._ _

__He felt more like the old Levi--the pre-Survey Corp, pre-Erwin Levi, the thug, the thief, the gangster than he had in twenty years. They had promised him something. Erwin had. Friendship. Loyalty. Honor._ _

__Love._ _

__But they’d given him those things with one hand and taken them away with the other. Not Hanji; he’d forgiven her already. He had known her a long time, and he had never had a better friend. But the system she was a part of, the system in which politics were more important than people. He’d fought for it, believing less and less in its principles with each year that passed. Losing himself a bit at a time, so slowly he hadn’t noticed, believing the ache in his heart was only the normal pain of life._ _

__Grains of sand in an hourglass._ _

__He swung his leather bag, heavy with the withdrawn gold over his shoulder, and then he walked away smiling faintly in the winter sunshine._ _


	2. Chapter 2

_**THREE MONTHS LATER** _

 

Someone came to stand over his table, casting a wide shadow. He was in his usual spot at a small table on the sidewalk, far enough back that he could have reached through the wide open doors into the restaurant if he’d wanted to. In the warm weather all the cafes were open to the air--they had specially designed windows, that could be flung open at a moment’s notice, and spring came earlier here than it did back in Paradis. On days like this the sidewalk tables filled up quickly. Three deep back he was lost among the crowd, but he liked that. It was the first time in over twenty years that he had felt anonymous. 

The shadow didn’t move away, and after a moment he looked up from his newspaper.

Eren gazed back at him solemnly. His stomach did a little flip, a rush of involuntary pleasure filling him. He had half-expected this moment for months, yet in spite of that it was still a surprise, even a shock to see Eren here a thousand miles from home. 

Outwardly he was calm. He folded the newspaper carefully, and when he didn’t speak Eren said hoarsely, “Can I sit?”

Levi extended his hand to the chair opposite, and he watched Eren swallow before sitting down.

He hadn’t been in this city long, but he came to the cafe most days. The waitstaff knew him already. They treated him with the same familiar contempt that they reserved for all their regulars.

Eren just stared at him, too obviously tongue-tied to start.

“How did you find me?” Levi asked curiously.

Eren cleared his throat. “We were getting newspapers from all over...there was an article in one about a man who saved some children in a fire…”

Levi snorted. “Not much to go on.”

“They said he was short.”

Levi laughed, and Eren gave him a look of pure astonishment.

One of the lazy waitresses wandered over and ogled Eren with open curiosity. Levi always came here alone.

“Get’choo?” she inquired breezily.

“Uh,” Eren stared at her, bewildered by the question.

“The same as me,” he said, waving her away, and she sauntered off.

Eren frowned at him.

“What?”

“You’re never rude to waiters.”

“It’s different here,” Levi said, dismissing this. “They know me.” Eren’s frown deepened and he stared at the tabletop, and Levi--who knew, somehow, what he was thinking--felt his heart pound in his chest.

“Well, so you read a newspaper article,” he said, staying in character. He picked up his tea and took a sip. “That was months ago. In another city.”

“In another country,” Eren said grimly.

“That too.”

“I asked around at inns, and...wait, were you leaving a _trail?”_ Eren said in sudden realization.

Levi smiled. “You really think I couldn’t have stayed gone if I wanted to?”

Eren just looked bewildered. “This...this isn’t how I thought this was going to go.”

“How did you think it was going to go?”

“I don’t know!” Eren groaned. “I...Let me just start over. I came back, about two days after you left I guess.”

“Oh?”

Eren blushed, but forced himself to hold Levi’s gaze. “I...you probably thought I was--that I was--”

“Kind of a jerk?”

Unhappily, Eren nodded. “I’ll explain, just let me--tell it how it happened.”

“Okay.”

“I got to see Mikasa and Armin and everybody, but I couldn’t--I kept thinking about you. You seemed--you seemed so angry with me but I didn’t know why. I was mad at you for being--for acting that way. I couldn’t understand it. But I couldn’t stop thinking about you either. Hanji agreed to go back with me--she’d been acting sort of cagey but I didn’t think--”

Again he sighed. “She was waiting to see you again, she wanted to tell you herself. But you were already gone. So then she told me. These last couple years...I didn’t just write to you once. I, uh. Wrote to you a few times. She kept all my letters from you.”

Levi watched him inscrutably. “How many is a few?”

“I don’t know,” he mumbled. “Once a month. Ish. Sometimes more…”

“That many?”

Eren squirmed.

Those first few days he hadn’t been thinking clearly. He’d been numb to his feelings, putting all his energy into getting as much distance between himself and his homeland as possible.

At some point, without his intending it the travel had become more than just a means to an end. He’d gotten interested in the mechanics of it. Things like train time tables and courier post, the curious ways people dressed--in one city all the women he saw wore pants, but a good many men (in from the country he later learned, where it was common) all wore skirts that hung above the knee. Everything was exotic. New foods. New _teas._ Dirty little newsstands had more newspapers, and novels, and _magazines,_ which were large paper pamphlets filled with women’s fashions and illustrations and all manner of other strange things, than their whole information bureau back in Paradis.

That should have made it easier than ever to put Paradis behind him, but thoughts like that always caught him off guard. _I should tell Hanji,_ he’d think, rifling in astonishment through hundreds of pages of newsprint. And the thought would trouble him, once he’d realized.

Unbidden, a kind of plan was forming. But it was too early yet even to put into words.

And though he’d tried to put them out of his mind certain things had stayed with him. In that strange, bewitching twenty-odd hours he’d spent in Eren’s company he’d found much of his behavior odd and off-putting. Things he’d said had baffled him. As if Eren had been having an entirely different conversation with someone else.

The guilty way Hanji had looked at him when he’d told her Eren was there. Like a nightmare she’d been having for years finally coming true.

At some point he had realized there hadn’t been one letter; that he hadn’t just been an afterthought. If Eren had been writing to the others then he had been writing to _him_. Eren hadn’t known his letters had been intercepted--all the odd things he’d said, he _had_ been having a different conversation with someone else--the Levi in his mind, the one who had ignored the letters he’d sent.

“I figured it out,” Levi said. “After a while. That you must have written to me more than once--that Hanji must have intercepted them.”

“Then why didn’t you come--” Eren burst out, and he cut himself off abruptly and stared hard down at the table.

Levi felt another little flutter in his chest.

“Why did you keep writing? After you never got any response? Or did Hanji write back for me?”

Eren looked scandalized. “No, she didn’t do that. She--I don’t think she even read all of them.”

He was blushing again.

The waitress came back, dropping a pot of tea and a cup on the table with a clatter before walking away.

Levi poured it out for him, and Eren watched the movements of his hands as if this were a new and alien custom.

“So,” Levi repeated. “Why did you keep writing?”

“I--I don’t know,” he said. “It was a habit. I wanted--I hoped you would forgive me. It was a lot of things.”

“Do you have them with you?”

His blush--if it was possible--deepened. He shook his head. “She wouldn’t give them to me,” he mumbled.

“What was that?”

The look Eren gave him was agonized.

Levi felt on the verge of laughter again. “What exactly did you write?”

“Not--not whatever you’re thinking!” Eren hissed, and Levi did laugh then, warm and bright. “It wasn’t like that!” he insisted. “I just--I didn’t know if you were even reading them. I thought maybe you were just throwing them away. There didn’t seem to be any point, after a while, in...and I never imagined anybody _else_ would read them!”

“Still,” Levi said, “once a month. That’s…”

“Oh, shut up,” Eren muttered. Changing the subject he said, “We were really worried about you, you know. We thought maybe you’d…”

“Please. I was a little dramatic. I wasn’t _that_ dramatic.”

“Giving away everything you own and fleeing the country is a ‘little’ dramatic?”

“It is when you think everyone you care about has betrayed you.”

Eren drummed his fingers nervously on the table. “Betrayed, what do you mean betrayed?”

“Who else did you write to? Armin, Mikasa? And when did you start?”

“Uh--yeah,” he said. “And Hanji. And you. That was it. Right when they forced me out--that first month.”

“Then they were communicating with you all that time, and they never told me. Any of them. You know, for two years no one even spoke your name--at least not when I was around. And Hanji--I guess she thought she had her reasons. But she kept it from me that you--that you’d tried.”

Eren’s lips parted--into almost a perfect ‘o’ of realization. As if he was only now realizing the enormity of what it meant.

“Oh,” he said, inadequately. “For what it’s worth,” he said, clearing his throat after a long pause, “she feels terrible about it. She kept back all my letters at first, not just yours. You know, in case I was trying to plot a rebellion or something…”

“Because that’s never happened.”

Eren shot him a quelling look. “After the first year, I started getting some letters back. They never told me why it had taken them so long to write, I just thought they were angry with me. They never said it was because they hadn’t gotten them. I guess Hanji was probably coaching them in what to say, too.” He sighed. “At least at first. I think she was acting under orders. I didn’t know that then.”

Another thought occurred to him then--and it was so novel that it almost certainly was the truth. Had Hanji kept those letters back to protect _him?_ Not from Eren, or his own feelings, but from other prying, unfriendly eyes? From the system they were all slave to? 

If she had given them to him--and ordered him to write to Eren, exploiting his feelings to try to extract information from him...would he have done that?

He had forgiven Hanji already, but this was the first time he had ever been in sympathy with her, with the difficulty of her position.

“I thought you had gotten them and you...you knew I...you knew how I…”

“No,” Levi said, interrupting. “I just thought you were being a jackass.”

Eren just nodded as if this were a totally reasonable thing for him to say.

“Well,” Levi said, grudgingly when it was clear Eren wasn’t going to defend himself, “You didn’t know.”

“I could have _said_ something,” Eren burst out in impatience. “I could have--asked you. I just thought--I was so on edge being with you again. I was embarrassed. And I was--I was angry you never wrote me too, even though I told myself you had your reasons...I didn’t know if you’d read them, I kept trying to bait you into admitting to-- _anything_. And then you’d say something that would make me think you _had_ and it just made me madder…” He sighed. “I _was_ a jackass. And an idiot. And I’m sorry. And I wasn’t sure I’d ever get the chance to tell you that.”

“So what did you want to tell me?” Levi asked softly.

“Huh?” Eren’s eyes were wide and green, as if he hadn’t understood the question.

“In your letters. I’m here now,” Levi said.

Eren kept staring down at the table, like it was the most fascinating thing he’d ever seen. “It’s different when you’re right here.”

“You came all this way,” Levi pointed out. 

He was quiet so long Levi watched two tables turn over, bills settled, men walking away with their wives or girlfriends while two eager couples took their place. But then he finally spoke.

“That I was sorry,” he said. “That I wished things had been different. That I...missed you. That I...loved you.”

“Must have been short letters,” Levi said after a moment.

“No,” Eren said shaking his head in chagrin, “they weren’t.”

He reached for Eren across the crowded table, maneuvering between the cups and teapots and saucers and Eren clasped his hand blindly, moving his arm up to grip his elbow. Eren was leaning in--their foreheads touched, and then--because Eren was so close--Levi turned his head and kissed his mouth. Eren moaned in surprise. 

He didn’t know what people in this country thought about men kissing each other in public, but he wasn’t planning on sticking around long enough to find out. He put a few coins down on the table and stood up. 

Eren was gawking at him. “Really?”

Levi smirked. “You were pulling your punches that night on the bridge. Weren’t you?”

Eren flushed. “I know you were,” he shot back. “I wasn’t even bruised the next day. So what was that? Foreplay?”

He wasn’t going to deny it. “Come on,” he said, and Eren finally got to his feet, walking too close to him as they made their way out of the maze of tables. 

 

 

 

 

Eren looked around the rented rooms, taking off his outer clothes and putting down his bag. They were clean, but you couldn’t say much else for them.

“When are you going to cut your hair?” he asked.

Eren glared at a picture of a barefootted boy leading a pig home from market, and said without turning, “Why would I do that? Then I wouldn’t have an excuse to carry around lube with me anymore.”

He laughed, and after a moment Eren smiled reluctantly. He tugged Eren close, feeling the heat of his body even before they touched, and lowering his eyes instinctually as if Eren were a light too bright to be looked at directly.

“Why didn’t you come back?” Eren said after a moment.

“I’m not going to.”

He felt Eren go stiff against him. “Not ever?”

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I’d like to see Hanji again.”

Eren buried his face in the top of Levi’s head. “So why--”

He sighed. _Now, Eren?_ he wanted to say plaintively. _Now?_ But he supposed it would have to be now; he’d had months to think through things. Eren hadn't.

“Because I’m not that person anymore,” he said. “Because I can’t be. Because everything I fought for has been a lie.”

“That’s not true--!” Eren protested in a stricken voice.

“We wanted to fight for a better world,” Levi said. “What have we gotten?” he pushed Eren away, gently. “It’s been years since the revolution. Historia is still in power, but at what cost?”

Eren didn’t answer, but the question had been almost rhetorical. He'd known that he wouldn’t.

“Why should Hanji listen to what anyone says? Why should she have to? You know why. Because they’ve been wresting back their power, bit by bit, in ways we didn’t anticipate. Five years ago Hanji didn’t have to listen to a thing those assholes said, now--”

“Well then go back and fight _with_ her!”

Levi shook his head. “You can’t win a rigged game, Eren.”

Eren looked sort of devastated which was almost funny; in a way, these were all his old arguments Levi was recycling now. He put his hands on the outside of Eren’s arms, and he kissed him again.

It was a knife-cut through whatever argument Eren wanted to have; Levi felt him open his mouth, felt him submit. That burned into him, a flare of desire to ignite them both. 

But he stepped back. There was a part of this he wanted Eren to understand, before they went any further. 

“Eren,” he said. “To be what they wanted me to be I had to give up myself, a piece at a time. It was nothing they did to me--nothing they _could_ have done to me, so they had to convince me to do it to myself.” He let that sink in for a moment. Then he touched his chest.

“I lived in two rooms, with nothing and no one. No more attachments. They couldn’t have built a more perfect prison then the one I put myself in. You understand that, don’t you?

“And since I left, I’ve been asking myself--why did I stay? I never would have, years ago. I gave up a part of myself to serve. And I guess I did my part. But they--”

Eren was kissing him, and Levi supposed he did understand. His face was wet, though Levi had delivered his speech with laudable dispassion. 

Whatever else he had wanted to say seemed unimportant with Eren’s mouth pressed to his. He tugged the buttons of Eren’s shirt loose and he felt Eren smile against him. His hands reached down to pull his shirt loose from his pants, under his belt, and they fell against the bed.

Eren sighed luxuriously, running his hands over Levi’s back underneath the shirt. Levi had a knee on either side of his hips, pressing him into the mattress. Too many clothes on though, and he had to stop for a moment to catch his breath and do something about it. 

Eren was just smiling idiotically up at him. 

“Take off your shirt.”

“So romantic,” Eren said, complying.

“If I wanted romance I wouldn’t be doing this with someone who carries around lube as a precautionary measure.”

Eren shook his head, trying hard to pretend it was beneath his hauteur to reply. He had gone pink though, and when he had finally stripped off the last of his clothes and dropped them on the floor Levi put an arm around his waist and one around his shoulders, pinned him with a knee and pressed into him from behind. 

“Go ahead,” he said, his voice low and gravelly, kissing along the side of Eren’s neck, “tell me I’m wrong. Tell me you didn’t bring anything.”

“It’s for my hair,” Eren said, torn between laughter and desire, “I told you--” Levi pressed into him, the hardness of his cock more an exclamation than a suggestion and he gave in to laughter, though it turned to a groan. “Hell,” he mumbled. “Okay, fine I’m an optimist, so what--” He groaned again, in complaint this time when Levi got up to cross the room and go through his things. 

“I was going to--”

“You had your chance, you fucked it up.”

“You said no!” Eren said, and gasped when Levi touched him. Just his hand running over his skin, nowhere even near the crease of his ass. But he had poured the oil onto his hand, and he was running it firm and hard over his lower back. Eren moaned a little; voice wobbling--trying to hang on to his outrage, he said, “You said no, when I--”

“I wanted you to tell me you loved me, idiot. I would have let you do whatever you wanted after that.”

He flung his arms around Levi and held him tight for a long time. Levi kept rubbing his back, but higher now, and slower, long smooth strokes across his shoulder blades.

“I thought I’d told you all that stuff in the letters,” Eren finally whispered. “I...didn’t think you wanted to hear it.”

Levi kissed the vulnerable spot right below his ear, then another lower on his neck.

In a choked voice Eren said, “I love you.”

“So what do you want to do now? You going to fuck me like you promised?”

“No,” Eren said, breathless and trying maintain some semblance of dignity, “you’ll get your turn later--”

He _felt_ Levi’s laughter, the vibration of it in his own chest, and he rolled over and pulled Levi’s arms down around him because he was _dying_. That insane night they’d spent in the sauna had been the stuff of all his dreams (and nightmares) these last three months, and he’d privately believed _nothing_ would ever be better than that; even on the days he could convince himself he’d find Levi again some day. 

Levi hadn’t even touched him yet, not really, and this was already a better pleasure than anything he’d imagined. Because yes, Levi cocky and vulgar and kind of a jerk was just as good, just as mind-bendingly hot as Levi vulnerable and scandalized and out-of-control had been. Because he knew now he’d get both, he’d have both, and he felt like he was standing in front of one of the immense fruit bazaars they had here; dizzy with the smell of everything ripe and fresh and beautiful and not having any idea where to begin.

Levi rubbed his hands up and down over his cock; long, smooth, soothing strokes, and he moaned in breathless ecstasy. Levi pressed into him from behind.

“Yes,” he said low and dazed, “Yes, yes,” and that seemed to do something to Levi. He buried his face between his shoulders and sucked in a deep breath, and his hands around him tightened to a point that was almost painfully good. Eren said nothing else for a moment, but thrust himself into that perfectly-too-tight grip and pushed his ass back onto Levi’s cock and thought calmly, _Yes, this is how I die; fucked to death before we even get started._

Levi moved his hands away and he moaned in complaint--quiet, then louder when he felt Levi’s hands on his ass. 

“No, don’t--” he said, and Levi groaned in annoyance and frustration.

He was about to explain, but then he felt Levi’s hands replaced by the head of his cock, pushing into him with a slow, sweet burn. He spread his legs eagerly, but he felt like laughing again. Of course Levi knew, somehow--

“I fucking knew it,” Levi complained as if he'd heard Eren's thoughts, groaning as he pushed himself forward in tiny increments. “Kinky bastard--”

“You don’t even know--”

“I don’t want to know,” Levi retorted in a voice that promised violence, and Eren laughed into his pillow so Levi wouldn’t hit him.

There was no talking, after that, not for a while. Levi kept moving into him, stretching him out by delicious slow degrees that stopped just short of painful. It had to have been hard for Levi--he could hear the hiss of his breath between his gritted teeth--but Eren was grateful. This was probably the only way he could have lasted. He had wanted this for half his life; getting it now felt surreal, like a mistake, like he had gotten someone else’s prize by accident.

Finally, when he was all the way in and Eren had moved back on him a little, like someone testing the weight of a new sword in one hand--Levi said in a muffled voice, strained with patience--

“Eren.”

“Yes, you can-- _ohhh…_ ” the last syllable lost in a drawn-out exhalation, and Levi gasped, “Fuck, you’re going to start that already?” and Eren was about to say, _“Huh?”_ but then Levi moved again and he lost the ability to form any thought at all.

Fortunately (or not) that didn’t prevent him from talking.

 

 

 

 

Afterward he lay against Levi in a kind of drugged stupor, remembering (as he still sometimes did) fragments of other lives; this time men and women lying sated in bed, or in fields, or on furniture--lovers or husbands or wives alongside. The alien thoughts had stopped troubling him long ago, and now he only felt a kind of contented kinship with them, as if he were only a small part of something bigger. He’d felt that way often enough, but never like this; never following an act of...love.

“If I had known it was like that--” he ventured at last.

“You’d have been slutting it up back in the barracks?” Levi suggested. His front was still to Eren’s back, and Eren could feel every part of him--his half-hard cock, still wet with his come and trapped between their bodies, the heavy weight of his arm lying relaxed across Eren’s thigh, the softness of his hair against the back of his neck.

“Possibly,” Eren said. “I’d have thought a lot harder about making a pass at you, anyway.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, comments and feedback are loved!


End file.
